I always admired a poem by Maya Angelou, “why caged bird sings.. Because it has a song to sing”. I chose to sing my song so Loud and with so much of intensity that I could see the bars around me melting down. Now I understood, what Maya really wanted to stay. I breath freely because I had a song. It’s pity that singing is such a foreign concept to many of caged hearts. It is sad to see unawareness of power of words and the power of sound. Although, it was a pretty thrilling journey. I thought to turn the pages back, and have a glance through a time-travel.
Being an Indian girl, coming from an ordinary middle class family, where woman in kitchen are always worried to make their recipes work so the men in house will return home. Men in the house are the captains of the ship, sometimes who are the one taking ship to the destination breaking all ice-mountains or sometimes in contrary, they are the ones escaping when ship is about to drawn. I belong to the place where woman are trained to transform themselves to a nice soft pillow, who sometimes increases the beauty of a room, or the one men can cuddle at stormy nights or sometimes they handle the heavy weight by holding man’s broken leg in bed. There is a protocol for the pillow to follow, defined by social hypocrites. I see, all woman are really religious about their protocol, following every single claw without questioning.
I was one of them,from the collection, a multi coloured pillow, trying to digest the rule book. I finished schooling and moved to bigger town to study science. I worked hard enough to secure a position in government engineering school who offered quality education In lowest fees. Although, my father is supportive, lower financial load was the reason he gave his helping hand for my education. With all odds, (crucial health hurdles and tough professors) I completed my bachelors with great enthusiasm. The hunger-fire of knowledge inside me was not calm, so I prepared for entrance exam for master’s, then got good percentile which was the green card for the admission into one of the other best engineering school in India. I elevated my bars their again by having gold medal in academics. Later, I was noticed by a greatest researcher , father of control theory and I got the opportunity to attach my name to his, in a research paper. This opened the door of recognition and resulting a doctoral position with brand name of “European Commission”. And here I am !!!
Though, this professional graph seems to be perfect, but it was always complimented by many life-time scars. Scares by my own parents when they used to fight all night and write suicide letters starting with ” Dear Teju” which never ended saying ” I love you “. Scare by a devil whose hands were having a pleasure with my body in a public bus when I didn’t even know how to spell the word “child abuse”. Scares by breaking own heart while trying to fit it with least possible match. This professional rainbow also took a storm of “polycystic syndrome” where there was a dance of “emotional hyper sensitivity” due to hormonal imbalance. But, I assure that I won every battle with sever injuries sometimes but that’s how it works I guess.
In all this journey, I always cherish gems I received. It was in the form of my classical dance, it came in the form of my volleyball, sometimes it came in the form of first kiss and a hug by loved one. Also bag of diamond, soothing souls who are/were with me to hold my hand tight and said “fight back, darling,”. There was a diamond, my professor supported me financially without giving any second thought , because of which I breathing French air now. A diamond in the form of definitive support by my friends, who cooked soup when I was sick, who shared last beer at late-night in Scottish music bars, who filled my purse with money secretly when I was drained out, who taught me put a lipstick and walk with high heals, who listened all my childish stories and amazingly remembers them or when they say ” why didn’t you tell me before that you are in problem!”.. I got handful of these diamonds, who are of all age, having diversities in countries and in languages. They are the blessings I receive divided on time scale.
This journey made me realise that, some diamonds just vanishes with time, I have to let them go. I learned to “let go”. When I hear my parent’s voice with a proud tone about their daughter, I learned to “forgive and love back”.I also learned “to cut the strings” at the right moment when they pull me back from desire of flying high. I learned “to hope”, that I will work to make world a better place and keeping my brain thirsty for knowledge, I also hope that I will meet a MAN, who admires my battles, who will remove my mask and kiss me hard. Then I can be his pillow if he loves to be my pillow cover.
I promise , I will never give up “to hope”, and wait for the day when God will whisper in my ears “it was WORTH giving you a life, my child”.