Every bird has to leave his nest if he has a dream to fly high. They say, if you wish to fly high with great aspirations, it is dangerous to entangle himself to shrubs on earth with emotional force. It is an impediment to achieve what you desire.
I am at home after almost one year. It is not that long to have the feeling of stranger in your own country between your own people.
I feel so disconnected ever. I have forgotten the manner how I was so comfortable with the ideas of doing something without any logic/reasoning. I sense that every decision from wearing cloths, fashion of talking in short every simple to complicated decisions are taken with consideration of society’s view on your decision. I do not respect this idea at all. I can not modify any of my decisions just because what people will think. This is key factor which makes me different from all routine life here.
I figured some more reasons for my detached feeling with my own people. Absence in their very important anecdotes of life, it may be marriage, heartbreaks, or getting new job. I am absent to share the feeling which creates distance. Whatsapp and Facebook, are for virtual presence. Having a person in front of you, and on internet, are very different things. A guy will never choose phony over banging in real.
I guess, I must be a bizarre for some of them, as I have broken the conventional frame of life [which is roughly getting a job in MNC/any industry, getting married with guy chosen by family or by you then never ending struggle for making everyone happy, buying an apartment, a car then children’s education and so on…]. I don’t need an house bigger than one hall and kitchen. If transportation is good enough, I don’t need a car. I can not see myself in shining furniture or mirror floor of house. Real pleasure is in radio that too an old one, than 50 inches 3D TV screen. It is more beautiful when books are kept instead of expensive crystal vase. I don’t wan to get married till I feel I met the right one. I can’t settle just because my biological clock is ticking. I want to travel and never settle in one city rather in one country. EXPLORE…. I felt, my idea of living life are exactly opposite of what ‘society’ assumes normal. Hence, it is obvious that this ‘society’ will try to steer me to fit in their ‘normal’ way, and in case I refuse, it is easy to exclude atypical amateur and keep their ‘normal’ way safe.
Sometimes, I get crazy ideas like if I am not happy with a job after PhD, i can go to some island and sell flowers there or work in coffee shop, save money and travel again.
For me, quagmire is where I real belong from? This is not my place anymore, neither France can be my motherland.
A woman, in search of her country … or maybe a woman without land…